Be That Friend
Brené Brown once said, “One day you will tell your story of how you overcame what you went through and it will be someone else’s survival guide.” Never have I felt this statement was more true than after becoming a widow. This journey isn’t for the faint of heart, and trust me, if any of us had a choice, we wouldn’t pick this life we have been dealt. However, having someone to talk to who “gets it” makes a world of difference.
Every story is different. Some widows are older, some are young, some knew the end was near, others had no warning. But no matter the circumstance, it’s hard and quite frankly, sucks.
Being a young widow is uncommon (thankfully, right?) but that also makes this already isolating life, even more isolating. So finding another widow who is young and understands how the grief that happens isn’t just for your spouse but also for a life not lived, plans unfulfilled, kids never had, and so much more is vital in figuring out how to navigate this life no one asked for.
Emily and I met by chance on a young widow site. She posted stating she was 28 and a cancer widow, and she asked if there was anyone else that was 28 and a cancer widow. I happened to see the post and responded. We started messaging through social media for a while. Just learning about each other’s stories.
Emily’s husband, John, died at age 30 from a extremely rare cancer called NUT carcinoma. This a mutation in the DNA protein. There are 250 cases diagnosed world wide. The life expectancy with this cancer is 2.2 months from diagnosis. Because this cancer is under diagnosed and extremely rare, there isn’t a standard treatment plan (which can be both a blessing and a curse). Because of how hard John fought and Emily’s research and fight for her husband’s literal life, John lived 8 months! If you are reading this and are not cancer widow, let me pause for just a moment and explain a few things. Yes, 8 months is longer than most live with this cancer, but let me be very clear, no matter how long or short the time is, it is NEVER enough!
Shortly after John died is when Emily and I began talking. As stated previously, we were messaging on social media first, but I am the worst about checking it so eventually, we began texting, talking and occasionally FaceTiming. We would talk about our guys and what was going on in our lives. We talked about the hard stuff of going back to the house and having their clothes still in the closet, having their cancer items all throughout the house, and their food items in the kitchen. We talk about how the houses were triggering, but we also didn’t want help with it from someone who wouldn’t understand why a box of cereal could make you cry. Slowly, we became each other’s support system from far away.
Emily is a travel blogger, which shameless plug (go check out her Uncharted Wanderings and follow her social media). Emily has literally traveled all over the world. One place she had not been yet was Alabama. I continually teased her about this! I told her she had a free place to stay so we should knock off some of her domestic travels and visit a few new states. So, in February, she came to visit me! We went to NOLA, Biloxi, and the AL gulf coast, knocking three new states off of her travel list! Before she left Mobile, we planned a trip for me to visit her in Maryland in June!
When planning my visit, I told Emily I had only one thing on my list, and that was to help her at her house. She argued with me saying this was my vacation and dealing with her house wasn’t on the list! I told Emily I wanted to help. I knew what it was like to clean out the pantry for the first time and want to cry over seemingly stupid things. I wanted to hear the stories behind the pieces that made her heart ache to part with. I told her, I wish I had someone to understand and help me with these things and would love to be able to do that for her. So, I won that argument.
We made a plan for me to help when I arrived. Let’s be real for a minute, I didn’t do anything. I sat with her. I moved the items into piles for her to go through and opened new trash bags when needed. I sat and listened. I didn’t throw the items away, that wasn’t my place. Those decisions were hers to make I was just there to be the support.
I know grief is hard and uncomfortable. Most of the time, people don’t know what to say or how to help. Heck, sometimes we don’t know what we need or how we need help. But, taking time to just listen and sit with the uncomfortable, to be the support makes all the difference. So that’s what I did as Emily went through the pantry.
The next item on the list to take care of were the cancer items. This is such a hard thing. Emily was worried about having the items in the house that would be triggering for me. She talked about cleaning them up before I came, but I told her no! That’s why I was coming, to help her with things like this. So, after cleaning the pantry, we tackled the cancer items that were left. To say this was emotionally exhausting for Em, would be an understatement. Sometimes we talked, sometimes we just sat in silence because these things are harder than you can imagine if you haven’t been through it.
As I share the first part of this story, it is to shed a little light on the life you wouldn’t want to understand. If you haven’t been through this, it is easy to say, “it’s just a box of cereal” or “just useless cancer items,” just throw them away! But there is something about getting rid of items that makes your heart ache like you are slowly taking them out of your life too. It’s hard to explain and doesn’t always make sense even to us, but it’s the truth.
My challenge to you as the reader is to be that friend. Be the friend that shows up. Be the friend that listens and understands, this can’t be fixed. Be the friend that holds the trash bag open while you hear about their favorite candy. Be the friend that holds space for the grief. Be the friend that says their name! Be the friend that says, “you know what, this happened today and made me think of your person.” Be the friend that still talks about the good times and the memories with the ones they love. I promise, there isn’t a time you will bring them up, that they aren’t already thinking of the one that died. It helps to know they are still remembered and loved. Be that friend.