God You’re So Good
There are many “stages” of grief. The term stages makes it sound like once you have handled that one emotion, you can check it off the list and never deal with it again. It also makes it sound like you only have to deal with one reality of grief at a time, but I am here to tell you, grief is messy and doesn’t form to anyone’s scrip. Grief is a rollercoaster you can’t get off of or waves that keep knocking you down. One of the “stages” of grief that I did not think I would deal with was anger. Because obviously the years of research and studying people did to develop these stages were wrong, and the decades of people who grieved before weren’t as determined as I was to avoid anger (insert huge eye roll here).
I am not typically an angry person. Do I get flustered or frustrated? Absolutely! But anger is not a normal reaction. So when anger crept up in my mind, it caught me off guard. I was standing in church on a Sunday morning at the pew Robert and I used to sit in together. The song “God, You’re So Good” by Passion began playing. I froze. I couldn’t sing and couldn’t move. Anger began to sweep over me like never before. I thought, of course you (the people around me) can sing this song, you go home to your spouse every night and fall asleep beside them! Mine is dead! This song is so easy for you to sing because what has ever gone wrong for you in your life?!? Then the internal struggle began. I fought with myself thinking, yes God is still good. I still have a job, I still have a house to live in, family and friends. No matter what God is still good. I forced myself to squeak out the last few lyrics of the song before it ended, but I still did not want to sing that song again. I was bitter and angry.
There are so many ways to handle anger and bitterness, but I decided to just be real with God. He knows my heart and mind anyways so why sugar coat it? I told Him, “I am angry. This song makes me furious and it is hard for me to sing, but I do know You are still good.” One thing Robert always talked about was singing the songs until you believe them, however this wasn’t the case for me. I would rather avoid it at all costs. But wouldn’t you know, it was on the set list quite a few times after this. I would see the set list ahead of time and try to prepare myself. I prayed that God would help my heart to be able to sing God You’re so Good and mean it.
If you haven’t hear this song before, the chorus says, “God, You're so good” four times in a row. Talk about making you sing something until you believe it. But it is the last verse that was the hardest. It says, “And should this life Bring suffering Lord, I will remember What Calvary has bought for me Both now and forever God You’re so good”.
It was convicting, a gut punch, and challenging all at the same time. I did NOT feel like God was still good. I did not want to sing those words. My husband had suffered, I was hurting more than you can imagine and the last thing I felt like doing was praising God for how good He was. His plan wasn’t my plan and His plan did not feel good.
The anger and emotions that came with this song became something for me to work through. I had never been angry like this before and especially not with God. Even with Robert’s cancer diagnosis there wasn’t ever a moment of anger. This was new to me. I would love to tell you that within a few days of praying I had moved forward from my anger and despising this song but that would be a lie. The anger lessened through a lot of prayer and real talks with God, but I could not sing that song because the feelings of anger came back again.
It took over a year of praying, seeking God, and working through that song. One Sunday I heard the beginning of the song start and the anger wasn’t there. As the song began to play, I felt myself singing the words and meaning them with every ounce of my soul. My hands were raised and I started singing, “God you’re so good! You’re so good to me!” Tears began to flow as I thought over the past year of the range of emotions this song and grief in general had caused. But God through it all had been the only constant in my ever changing world. He was there on the nights I couldn’t sleep, there when the times were hard, there when I felt lonely, there when I was angry, there when I was hurt, there when I was broken, BUT GOD loved me through it all. God, you’re so good!
Why share this? Why would anyone ever admit to being angry with God much less write about it and share the story with others? Honestly, I feel like I am not the only one who has ever been angry with God. I was a former music minister’s wife of all people, I should’ve been able to sing a song about God being so good. I should have been immune to being angry with God, but I wasn’t and I doubt anyone else is either. Things happen in life. Life gets hard, finances tough, people we love die, things don’t go the way we had planned and anger can creep in when we least expect it. My challenge to you is when those times of anger and frustration with God happen, tell God. Be real with Him. He knows your thoughts and heart anyways. So why not just be open in your prayers, “God I’m angry with You and what’s going on, but I want Your help with my anger, show me You’re still good.” God is big enough to handle your hurts and wants to be there for you even in your anger.
Lastly remember, “And should this life Bring suffering Lord, I will remember What Calvary has bought for me Both now and forever God, You're so good.” (Lyrics and song By Passion 2018)