Mrs. to ?

When I got married, it was the beginning of the cute shirts that said, “Miss. to Mrs.” and “The Future Mrs. ______.” Growing up in the south these “title” changes were a big deal. There is so much excitement and build up to the “title” change Mrs. No one prepares you for when your spouse dies and your “title” changes again. The first time I received a card addressed to Ms. Clifton weeks after Robert passing was a gut punch. It had been weeks! Seriously?! My thought was haven’t I lost enough already? Why do you get to take away something else too? I worked hard for my marriage. I didn’t have a choice in becoming a widow, can I at least get a choice in my “title”? 

As I was frustrated with the situation, I couldn’t help but think of how Robert would have responded to my frustrations. He would have said, “Go back and get your doctoral degree and you won’t have this problem. You won’t have to worry about Mrs. or Ms. You’ll be Dr. Kelly Clifton.” He wouldn’t be wrong either.. Hmm... Dr. Clifton... it does have a nice ring to it 😉 maybe one day, but let’s get back to this unwanted “title” change. 

I wasn’t sure if this feeling of ill-will toward being called Ms. Clifton was “normal” with other widows or if it was something that just bothered me. So, I asked, and here is what I found out. The ladies’ answers varied—Some it bothered, some it didn’t. However, both sides had a reoccurring answer, the ultimate choice of the “title” change is up to the widow, no one else. 

If you are reading this and are not a widow and aren’t really sure what the big deal is, I hope you never have to understand why it’s a big deal. If you are reading this and are wondering how to have the conversation about the “title” of Ms. or Mrs. without offending a widow, let me give you an example. 

At the beginning of this work year, my boss approached me and asked me to come to the office for a moment. My boss said, “I don’t want to make this a big deal, but I want to be sensitive to you. So, when we type the letter to introduce you, would you prefer Mrs. or Ms.?” This conversation let me know that not only did my boss realize the sensitivity of being a widow, but my boss also cared enough to ask for what I wanted. This conversation meant the world to me. 

Being a widow has a way of changing things in life that we don’t always have control over. Widowhood isn’t just one loss, it’s filled with multiple losses, but a “title” change doesn’t have to be one of them. 

According to etiquette books and the millennial tool, Grammarly, Widows are to be referred to as Mrs. However, if you ask the Widow Community it’s up to each individual widow and no one else. Take time to have the conversation and support whatever “title” she chooses. 

Until next time, 

MRS. Clifton... and maybe one day, Dr. Clifton 😉