Be in The Moment
I recently spoke with someone and asked when the moments of happiness would no longer have a twinge of sadness mixed in between. When would Robert’s absence would not be so evident? I was told to focus on the happiness and be thankful for the time he was here. Gosh, I’m not sure how that helps. The problem isn’t I focus on him not being here, the problem is he isn’t here!
This walk of being left in the wake of loosing the one you love isn’t easy. Truthfully if you haven’t walked it, you can’t begin to understand. Shamefully, I will be the first to admit I never knew what someone went through when they lost a spouse. I couldn’t understand why they still shared pictures and videos of the ones they lost years later. Couldn’t they move on already? This may sound harsh, but if we are being truthful with ourselves haven’t we all thought something to this effect before? Unless you have been through it, you don’t understand and that’s okay. We don’t wish this on anyone but unfortunately know this is a reality of life.
To the widows/widowers that came before me, I’m sorry for my ignorance and lack of understanding. I now understand that there is not a moving on, but instead a moving forward with loss and grief. Keep sharing the photos and memories. To the widows/widowers who came after, you are not alone, find others who understand and cling to them. To the ones who have never been widowed, don’t be like me, be better. Educate yourself on how to be there for them. Read books, listen to podcasts, watch YouTube Ted-talks but most importantly, be there. Don’t just talk the talk, walk the walk! Say the name of the ones they’ve lost, share the memories, talk about it when you miss them too. It helps to know the loved ones aren’t forgotten, and we aren’t the only ones that feel their absence.
I remember within the first few weeks after Robert’s passing that people seemed afraid to mention his name or even talk about him because they didn’t want to upset me. This was soooooo much worse. When people didn’t talk about Robert, it made me feel like I couldn’t talk about him either. I finally started telling people they could talk about him and say his name. It’s not like they were going to bring him up when he was not already on my mind. “Giving permission” to say his name and mention him helped cut the tension and helped me feel like it was okay to talk about him too.
As I mentioned before, if you haven’t lost a spouse, be better than me—one suggestion I have is to read the book, “Please Be Patient, I’m Grieving: how to care for and support grieving hearts” by Gary Roe. I’ve read quite a few books over the past year about grief and loss. A lot of them were great reads and informative, but this one in particular, I wish I would have known about years ago—even before my loss. This book talks about the prospective of what it is like to be the grieving person and how to actually be there for the person. It’s a quick read (or listen if you’re like me and enjoy audio books). It can help with empathy by giving even the smallest glimpse of the grief journey. Educate yourself on how to be in the moment with those whose worlds have been shattered by grief. Also, if you have lost someone and haven’t read this book, it won’t disappoint—I’ve read it three times.
The thing is, grief is hard and uncomfortable. It reminds people how short life is especially after a young loss. So, instead of talking with the grieving person, people just avoid the topic or grieving person all together. My challenge to you is to be better than that by being in the moment with the grieving person. Moments can be filled with laughter and hilarious stories. Other times they are just normal life moments. Sometimes moments are sad because someone is still missing from their lives. No matter what the moment is, whether it’s filled with a twinge of sadness or belly laughs, just being there in the moment with the grieving person makes all the difference. Grief is messy, hard and uncomfortable but is also a part of life. Today, choose to be in the moment with someone who is grieving even if it’s hard or uncomfortable.