Thankful
I heard a song called “Scars” by I AM THEY just after Robert’s death. If you haven’t heard this song, take a moment to listen to it, and look up the lyrics.
My prayer for over a year after hearing that song is that God would help me be thankful for my scars. There are scars in my life I have become thankful for over the years, but the scar of losing my husband and being a widow at the age of 26 is a hard scar to be thankful for. Specifically, I began praying, “God, I am thankful for a lot of scars in my life, but I am NOT thankful for the scar of losing my husband, but I pray that one day, this will be another scar I am thankful for.” This is a prayer I am still praying. What I have learned over this past year is to be thankful in the storm, thankful for the things He has provided, and thankful for the lessons I have learned during the hard seasons of life.
I heard a sermon this past year on the book of Nehemiah. The series was great! One particular Sunday the sermon was on Nehemiah chapter 6 with other verses such as James 1:2-4. The pastor made two statements that stuck out to me regarding the hard times and scars I have had in life thus far. He said, “Hard times and circumstances produce a growth that ideal circumstances cannot.” Another quote from that sermon was, “We learn things in the valleys that we cannot learn on the mountain tops.” Woah, talk about a sermon that makes you self-reflect!
So, what are things I have learned in the valleys? What scars am I thankful for in my life?
Things I have learned in the valleys:
I have become very transparent and real in my prayers. I have learned that the God of the universe already knows my heart. He can handle my very real and raw prayers.
I have learned that sometimes you don’t feel God near. Sometimes in the hardest times, that’s when He feels silent. You have a choice. Do you walk away or keep pushing harder? I have chosen to keep pushing harder and closer to Him. Desiring to be closer to He who is the God of peace and comfort. Let’s be honest, when your world is shattered and nothing around you is what you dreamed or thought it would be, He is the only one that can provide rest, peace and comfort in the darkest of times and deepest of valleys.
I have learned a deeper desire to be closer to Christ. I started a 365 day Devotional called “Through A Season of Grief” just after Robert died. I started each day off with a quiet time before my feet hit the floor. This became my routine. As the 365 days neared an end, I was sad. This devotional had helped and challenged me over the past year. When I finished it, I realized the longing and desire I had developed for my time with Christ and in His word. There was more of a draw for this quiet time than there had ever been in my life.
I have learned my self-worth and value is found in Him alone. My widowhood doesn’t make me any less of a person. God still loves me with my scars, hurts and all.
I have learned that He is constantly teaching me lessons. Even when I don’t want to listen.
I have learned God doesn’t always call us to do the easy things. Sometimes the lessons we need to learn are found when we step out in faith.
I have learned to let go and let God. Control is just an illusion.
Scars and other things am I thankful for:
I am thankful God doesn’t give up on me.
I am thankful on the days it’s hardest to stand, He is there.
I am thankful on the long and sleepless nights, He never sleeps.
I am thankful He loves His hard-headed and stubborn children!
I am thankful for the life lessons I have learned through each scar. They are lessons I would never have been able to learn on the mountain tops.
I am thankful Robert and I did not have kids. What?!? Crazy right?! How could I say that?! Trust me, if you would have told me I would ever get to a point in my life that I was thankful that Robert and I didn’t have children, I would have told you, you were wrong. I would have told you that Robert was the last male to carry the Clifton name. That if we didn’t have children, the Clifton bloodline died with him. I would have said you don’t know our entire story. I would have told you, I love him, and we had talked about kids and a family for years. There was no way I would ever be thankful for this scar. However, through these various trials, I can see how God knew better that I did. He knew the long nights of the cancer journey, the struggle of balancing work, a sick husband, doctors appointments, and normal life. He knew Robert’s healing would not be on this side of heaven. So, as hard as it is to say, I am thankful for the scar of Robert and I not having kids together because God knew more than we did.
I am thankful for the scar of cancer. Again, what?!? How could anyone say they are thankful for the very thing that killed their spouse? Trust me, if I could do anything to bring my husband back or to take away his cancer, I would have. But that wasn’t up to me. I vividly remember talking and crying with Robert in the hotel room after his last visit with the oncologist at UAB when they told us he had weeks to live. I told Robert, “I don’t understand why God isn’t healing you. It’s not like it is just the two of us praying for your healing. I could almost understand that. There are literally thousands of people around the world praying for your healing, and He isn’t healing you.” Robert’s response was, “Even if my story doesn’t reach any farther [for Christ] than what it has, it was enough.” Trust me, I wouldn’t choose cancer, however, God chose it as another part of the journey. He chose to use us as a way to share Him with others. If even one life was changed and impacted for Christ, it was enough. I am thankful for God choosing to use us, and I am thankful for the scar.
Lastly, I am thankful for the lessons I have learned by being a widow. Don’t mistake what I am saying, I am not at a place yet where I can fully say I am thankful for losing my husband and being a widow. If I could have Robert back and never have to know this hurt, heartache, and pain, trust me, I would choose to have him here. However, I am thankful for God using this hurt and pain for His glory and using this valley to draw me closer to Him. I am thankful for God continuing to use this scar and my journey as another part of His story.
I challenge you to take time today and self-reflect. What are scars you are thankful for? Are you willing to ask God to help you be thankful for the scars in your life? What have you learned in the valleys that you couldn’t learn on the mountain tops? Write down ways He has brought you through and is bringing you through the storms in your life. Spend time praying real and raw prayers. Trust me, He’s big enough to handle it. Lastly, if you are struggling or don’t know where to turn, turn to the one who holds you in the darkest of times and the deepest of valleys.